Truth Is, We CAN'T Be Friends...

Deborah Cox had a popular song in the late 90’s, We can’t be Friends. Below are a few of the lyrics that I would like to base this blog on:

To just act like, we never were

To come around, and not show hurt

How dare we greet by shaking hands,

Just months ago I was your man

Verbally we agreed

It was over and we were through...

For everyone to just go on

I’ve tried and I can’t do it

Cause I’m still torn

I’ve tried to think of you

As just another love in my past...

IT’S NOT THAT SIMPLE...

Then as if that weren’t enough, Fantasia had the hit ‘Truth is’... see below for an excerpt of her touching song:

And all the feelings that I thought were gone,

Came rushing back to me at once

Tried to smile and hide the way I felt

But I was thinking to myself

Truth is I never got over you...

Guess I’m still in love with you...

Truth is I never should have let you go

And it’s killing me cuz know I know

This blog stems from a couple of recent conversations that I had with a group of singles about being friends after a breakup. It was very interesting, because many of the guys said that they could continue the friendship after a breakup, while many of the ladies said that it really depends. I also have a couple of friends that are still close with their exes and their break-ups were caused by indiscretions of the sexual nature.

So what do I think? It depends... come on, you should have known that it was coming.

I think that no matter the way of breakup, whether it was a mutually agreed decision, you just grow apart, or a drag-down all-out fight, some ex-relationships can’t just fall back into the friend zone. It pretty much goes without saying that if you broke up with me and I was totally against it, that calling you a ‘friend’ might be pushing it, or at least for a little while. I guess the best way for me to answer the question as to why some relationships can’t end in friendship, is to use real life examples: (some are mine, others have been anonymously borrowed)

I’m still in love (or at the least hopefully attached)

Now, this one can be considered a no-brainer, but some cases aren’t so cut and dry. In the case of ‘he left me and broke my heart’ or ‘she just walked out one day’, it is obvious that the jilted party can still be in love (and in some cases even bitter) and not be able to be friends with that person. But in some cases the emotions are latent. If a person doesn’t do the actual hard work of purging and breaking the emotional and sometimes (uggghh) sexual soultie, then it’s only natural to still be attached to this person. This is one of my real scenerios. In college, I had a long distance relationship with a guy off and on for several years. I would tell myself that I was over him, but whenever I would see him, or even just to get a phone call from him-I was right back in the Fantasia video. What I realized is that absence does not denote deliverance-its just a lack of stimulus. I wasn’t over him, I could just bandage the emotions and not deal with them-until he was looking me in my face. I had to realize that until I could look at him without the expectation of things working out or us getting back together, there was no way that we could just be friends, because I wanted more. And to answer your question, yes I’m over him now, but no we are not friends. Maybe I’m just not that strong, but there is a portion of me that will always love him and because I know he isn’t my husband, I won’t put myself into temptation of falling back there. Might be ugly, might not be biblical-but it’s real.

We weren’t friends to begin with

Many relationships skip the friendship stage, or there is some super-charged psuedo friendship that is only concocted to ‘get through’ as the first step into the relationship. If you never took the time to get to know the person as a friend first, then what is there to fall back on if the relationship doesn’t work out? There are certain boundaries and bonds that are only built through a friendship, and if that step is skipped, then when the relationship fizzes, the only pieces left to be picked up are your separate lives.  This isn’t to say that relationships that aren’t built on a solid foundation of friendship first don’t last, but it is to say that there are certain things that you wouldn’t do or say to a friend, and if you don’t develop that before the emotions and butterflies begin, it will be harder to go back and develop it, now that your heart has gotten attached romantically. In order for a friendship to form out of this, then it would have to be from ground zero, after the storm- you just have to build again, but it won’t be the same as if you started with that foundation.

YOU/I Cheated

Ummm...yeah, I don’t know too much about this one, honestly-at least not from the ‘we can still be friends’ category-because every guy that cheated on me, we are not friends. It’s not that I haven’t forgiven them, but I don’t believe that forgiveness equates a second chance, and there are certain character flaws that I don’t necessarily want in friends. But, I do have several friends that are still friends with exes that cheated. Baffles me a bit, honestly-but hey to each his or her own. Maybe it depends on the circumstances. Now, a note to be made is that my cases were not marriages, so it  was easier for me to pack up (emotionally) and move out, because we didn’t share papers on ANYTHING. Marriage brings in a whole different element, and since I have never made it down the aisle, I will wisely not speak on that one.

Too Soon

Some relationships can fizz into friendships, but it will take time to re-program yourself from ‘boo’ to ‘buddy’. If you try to slip right into friendship after a breakup-it might be safe to say that one or both parties hasn’t had time to heal, so you are bound to hurt each other again. Do yourself a favor and take some time to reflect on the relationship, learn from their mistakes (and yours), then slowly ease back into a friendship.

All this to say: Getting over a past relationship is not optional. It’s over, let it go, move on and get to what’s in front of you. Choosing to pursue a friendship with an ex-that’s your choice. Remember the Bible says to guard your own heart-so be open and honest with yourself and if you aren’t ready to be ‘buddy o’pals’ , do yourself a favor and put some distance between you too, so that you can properly heal. Then if possible, open the door to a friendship-but ONLY WHEN YOU’RE READY!

Your thoughts??

Loosely Adapted from NOT Another Singles Book: Chapter 6 Losing Your Potentials

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Intent for Singleness-Excerpt from NOT Another Singles Book

There are many specific intentions for your Singleness, and these will be discovered as you turn over your desires and plans to God and allow Him to replace them with His desires for you. He will reveal His established plans to you as you spend time with Him. Some will be directly in line with those that we will discuss in this book and some will be only dedicated to your individual walk. Ask God what does He intend specifically for you in this season and when He reveals it, have the courage to act.

There are some general intentions that I believe God has for all Singles in their Single season. This is by no means an exhaustive list, nor will each category highlight God’s specific plan for your time alone with Him. With discernment and prayer, God will reveal His specific plan for you, so be open to what He is speaking to your heart. Why am I still Single? If you are anything like me and the millions of other Singles out there, you have asked yourself this question and even screamed it at God numerous times. And like me, you may have often been met with a deafening silence. God has now changed my viewpoint on what I perceived as silence, and opened my heart to understanding Singleness the way He designed it.

 God views Singleness as a time of undivided devotion unto the Lord; a time that the Lover of your soul can romance and woo you. This is a time that the Redeemer of our souls pursues and overtakes us with a love so pure and so sweet it cannot be compared with anything else, because we will never experience anything else like it. Who wouldn’t want to prolong that? This is a time that God has set apart for you to work wholeheartedly for His kingdom without the distractions of earthly responsibilities like a mate and family. Once you have allowed your heart to be saturated with this kind of love, I believe your mindset will no longer be, “I ‘have’ to get through this season”, but rather, “I ‘get’ to experience this season!” You will truly learn to enjoy it.

If marriage is in His will, there may be a significant adjustment period in learning to put all the distractions away to get some time alone with Him like this again. So take full advantage of this time as it was intended and get drenched in His love. Another purpose for Singleness is to focus on defining yourself. Many times when we talk about getting ourselves together before marriage, we focus on finances, credit scores and other material things. While I do believe that these things are important I believe if we focus on getting our internal right, then the external will begin to line up. A good name is more desirable than great riches.

When we allow God to line up our character with what He has already defined for us, then the natural will line up with the spiritual. The Lord’s Prayer says, “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.” I’m just now fully grasping what this verse means in my Single life. His will for me has already been predestined and orchestrated in Heaven, so when I pray this prayer I am commanding my natural man to line up with what my spiritual man already is.

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In the meantime, what you should be doing...

Use this time to fix whatever you are not happy about in your life, because it won't magically get better in marriage. In fact, it will get worse because you have now brought a “Single” problem into your “married” relationship. If you are a selfish, immature, insecure, sexually frustrated Single, you will still have these characteristics when you get married until you allow God to heal these areas. Sweeping them under the rug or thinking that they will disappear once you get married is delusional and could be detrimental to building a healthy partnership. You now have to focus on situations that could and should have been fixed in the Single stage of your life as a now married individual. You will end up draining the one you’re with attempting to seek a healing that can only be provided by God.

Build that personal resume; the list of what you will bring to the table. From a woman’s perspective, many times we are so quick to tell a person what we expect and what we are not going to do in a dating relationship that we fail to mention what we will do. What do we have to offer that will make this person want to make a concentrated effort in sharing in our life? If you can’t quickly and surely answer that question, that may be another task to accomplish in your Single life.

Naturally speaking, would you buy a car if the dealer’s only sales pitch was, “This car doesn’t go over 100 MPH, it doesn’t turn sharp corners very well, it requires you to change the oil and filter every other month, and requires you to change the brakes yearly with monthly scheduled maintenance. It is oversized so you will have to find special parking for it, and after 50,000 miles, what you see is what you get because the warranty expires.” I can pretty much guarantee that you would hesitate in buying it because nothing was explained in an attractive manner. Although all of the mentioned is true to the car, it’s not what you lead with if you want to make a sell. I believe to an extent, the same concept applies with relationships. If all the person is informed of is the work they are required to put in, and they are not presented with any of the perks of how you will add value to their life, or what distinguishes you from all the others; it may be a bit more difficult to get them to buy in. This should not be misconstrued to say that all of the “maintenance” shouldn’t be addressed, because you definitely don’t want to make my mistake of portraying the “perfect mate’ from Chapter 2. Discuss them, but don’t blow your own sale with the wrong pitch.

While you’re Single, use this time to beef up your resume. Finish school, start your business, pay off your debt and make your resume speak for itself. Become your best you. Figure out your sales pitch. God has His best companion orchestrated for you, but I don’t believe that He will ordain that appointment until you are working to be your best. You can’t expect to get a ten if you are slumming it around the fives.

Date yourself. The same energy that you would spend getting to know the ins and outs of a potential boo, use that time getting to know yourself. Find out your quirks, your fears, your hopes, your deal-breakers, and your annoying habits (no, you are not perfect); even what type of eggs you like in the morning. You'd be surprised how much stuff about you that you don't even know. May sound silly, but this encounter with self can be powerful—if  done right.

I spent time going to restaurants alone and ordering dinner. This may be a small feat for you, but for me it was a big one. I am always the last person to order at the table. I’m the one that always asks other people what I should eat, the one who ends up getting six suggestions from the wait staff, only to order something totally different. Doesn’t bother me, but I’ve seen some people get pretty annoyed by it. This is a task that I will be turning over to my husband freely. (Let’s just call it an added perk of being the head of the household.) I’ve also learned that although I love to visit other places, I don’t have a burning desire to live outside of Texas. I almost always overdress for an event. I can’t do cold weather well. I think matching is overrated and cats and lizards scare me. These are only a few of my quirks; you would be wise to figure out yours while you only have yours to worry about.

Marriage is not a be-all-end-all-cure-all to the issues that you face as a Single. Whatever issues you have now you will have them married, unless you take care of them beforehand. It’s one thing to be incomplete and miserable single, but it’s a whole ‘nother thing to be that and be going to bed with someone else every night.

. Fix whatever is lacking or needs improvement in your Single life so as to not bring it into your marriage.

I’ve spoken to married people that disclosed how they felt lonely in their marriage and I can only imagine the heartache this brings. I was never alone in my engagement per se, but I was desperately lonely. I now realize the value of respecting my time alone and the seriousness of co-habitation in marriage because we can’t say, “Go home please,” or “I would like to be alone now,” to our spouse without one person being uprooted from their own home. Your space is no longer your own, so being confined with a person that leaves you feeling lonely (or desperately making you wish you were alone) should spark another sober examination of your readiness for marriage.

One strategy of learning the art of being alone but not feeling lonely is to practice being by yourself. Turn the TV off, cut off your ringer, sign off from Facebook and Twitter and just be. Commit to not filling the silence with something, but to just rest in the peace of being with you. It’s easier said than done. The average person can only comfortably stand silence for a few seconds when in the presence of other people without trying to fill it in some way. I have lived alone for the past nine years and I have only recently begun to understand the magnitude of being content alone, and I still find it hard to just be and really do nothing. When I am alone, I am either reading a book, watching a movie, talking on the phone, cleaning the house, or doing something else. It is almost unnatural to just do nothing. Why is this? I believe partially because we seek companionship; we were created to be together.

Christ exemplifies this concept when He states that we are many members but one body[1] and the Bible even advises against being alone because there is no one to help us up when we fall[2]. Although He understands the desire and need for companionship, (because He created it) I don’t believe that He was saying to never be alone. Jesus would often steal away to be alone with our Father[3]. Desiring company or the pleasure of being with others is not to be seen as negative, but it can be a crutch if you don’t know how to be comfortable alone. At this point in your life, you have the choice to spend as much time alone as you desire and I encourage you to enjoy it fully—soak it all in. When we get married, your space will be shared with your mate and your family, so this will turn into one of those, “If I would have known then what I know now” moments. Time to be alone then may be a rare commodity.

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[1] Romans 12:5

[2] Ecclesiastes 4:10

[3] Luke 6:12, Mark 1:35, Luke 5:16

1 on 1 Time

There are many specific intentions for your Singleness, and these will be discovered as you turn over your desires and plans to God and allow Him to replace them with His desires for you. He will reveal His established plans to you as you spend time with Him. Ask God what does He intend specifically for you in this season and when He reveals it, have the courage to act.

There are some general intentions that I believe God has for all Singles in their Single season. This is by no means an exhaustive list, nor will each category highlight God’s specific plan for your time alone with Him. With discernment and prayer, God will reveal His specific plan for you, so be open to what He is speaking to your heart.

Why am I still Single? If you are anything like me and the millions of other Singles out there, you have asked yourself this question and even screamed it at God numerous times. And like me, you may have often been met with a deafening silence. God has now changed my viewpoint on what I perceived as silence, and opened my heart to understanding Singleness the way He designed it. God views Singleness as a time of undivided devotion unto the Lord; a time that the Lover of your soul can romance and woo you. This is a time that the Redeemer of our souls pursues and overtakes us with a love so pure and so sweet it cannot be compared with anything else, because we will never experience anything else like it. Who wouldn’t want to prolong that?

This is a time that God has set apart for you to work wholeheartedly for His kingdom without the distractions of earthly responsibilities like a mate and family. Once you have allowed your heart to be saturated with this kind of love, I believe your mindset will no longer be, “I ‘have’ to get through this season”, but rather, “I ‘get’ to experience this season!” You will truly learn to enjoy it. If marriage is in His will, there may be a significant adjustment period in learning to put all the distractions away to get some time alone with Him like this again. So take full advantage of this time as it was intended and get drenched in His love.

Another purpose for Singleness is to focus on defining yourself. Many times when we talk about getting ourselves together before marriage, we focus on finances, credit scores and other material things. While I do believe that these things are important I believe if we focus on getting our internal right, then the external will begin to line up. A good name is more desirable than great riches[1]. When we allow God to line up our character with what He has already defined for us, then the natural will line up with the spiritual.

The Lord’s Prayer says, “Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done, on earth as it is in Heaven.” I’m just now fully grasping what this verse means in my Single life. His will for me has already been predestined and orchestrated in Heaven, so when I pray this prayer I am commanding my natural man to line up with what my spiritual man already is.

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[1] Proverbs 22:1