Nothing in and of myself has made me an expert on singleness, unless you count the fact that I have always been in a relationship. It may sound crazy, but that doesn’t make it any less true. Up until about a year ago, I can’t remember the last time that I was completely single. I was always attached to someone and even if the poor sap never made it to ‘boo status’ he was still hanging around or worse yet, allowing me to hang around-when we both knew that we would never be in a relationship. I didn’t know how to be alone, much less- actually desire being alone. Why would i? Who would actually want to be a 'table of 1?'
Why was it ok for EVERYONE else to be in a relationship except for me?! I would question God on a daily basis, seemingly with no response. So instead of waiting on Him- I took matters into my own hands and created my own relationships by my own standards, in my own timing from men of my own choosing. And we can all see how that turned out-right? Well, if it takes you a while to catch on---I never made it down the aisle. Although I did get close (keep reading and I will post that story as well), I could never catch the elusive ‘Mrs.’ bug-no matter how desperately I chased it…
So that leads me back to my original question: why me, Lord, WHY ME?!?! Why has this burden of Singleness been given to me? Why is this cross mine to bear? I always thought that God was silent-as if He couldn’t hear my shouting, see my tears, feel my heart-wrenching sobs. I now know that He was silent because He had already given me the answer. When God speaks and then confirms and then reaffirms, the only communication barrier is the one that we ourselves have set up in hearing Him. He is always speaking, we just have selective hearing. While I was asking ‘Why me’-He was constantly answering ‘why NOT you?’ I realized that my insistant questioning of my Singleness was not only direct defiance in accepting His chiros timing, but it was also a personal insult. How so?
If I am to understand that Singleness is supposed to be a time of undistracted devotion to God-that means that if I am not using it as such, I am being disobedient. I am consciously choosing not to use the gift that He has given me and I am instead deciding to bury it. I have personally insulted God, because I have told Him that He is not enough. That I have had enough time alone with Him and I want a ‘replacement.’ Many of us will cringe at comparing an earthly spouse with our Almighty God, but many of us unconsciously make them and marriage into mini-idols. We can call marriage an earthly covering or a direct manifestation of His love for us, but realistically if we are not basking in His love while we are Single, then it will become pretty difficult to put Him on the throne all-of-a-sudden when we get married.
God has changed my mindset on Singleness and I have chosen to get everything out of it that He has invested in it. I believe that God does everything for His glory and as Christians-our lives are supposed to be lived as a glorification to Him. So taking 1+1 and getting 1 (you’ll catch that later)- I realize that God is getting more glory out of my Single life right now, then He would be getting if I ware yoked at this moment in marriage. What an honor!! To know that God trusts me enough to turn my tests (many of them failed) into a testimony for Singles is humbling. I will be like the wise servant and return an investment in the trust that He has bestowed on me. Will you?
