Deborah Cox had a popular song in the late 90’s, We can’t be
Friends. Below are a few of the lyrics that I would like to base this blog on:
To just act like, we
never were
To come around, and
not show hurt
How dare we greet by
shaking hands,
Just months ago I was
your man
Verbally we agreed
It was over and we
were through...
For everyone to just
go on
I’ve tried and I can’t
do it
Cause I’m still torn
I’ve tried to think of
you
As just another love
in my past...
IT’S NOT THAT
SIMPLE...
Then as if that weren’t enough, Fantasia had the hit ‘Truth
is’... see below for an excerpt of her touching song:
And all the feelings
that I thought were gone,
Came rushing back to
me at once
Tried to smile and hide the way I felt
But I was thinking to
myself
Truth is I never got
over you...
Guess I’m still in
love with you...
Truth is I never
should have let you go
And it’s killing me
cuz know I know
This blog stems from a couple of recent conversations that I
had with a group of singles about being friends after a breakup. It was very
interesting, because many of the guys said that they could continue the
friendship after a breakup, while many of the ladies said that it really
depends. I also have a couple of friends that are still close with their exes
and their break-ups were caused by indiscretions of the sexual nature.
So what do I think? It depends... come on, you should have
known that it was coming.
I think that no matter the way of breakup, whether it was a
mutually agreed decision, you just grow apart, or a drag-down all-out fight,
some ex-relationships can’t just fall back into the friend zone. It pretty much
goes without saying that if you broke up with me and I was totally against it,
that calling you a ‘friend’ might be pushing it, or at least for a little
while. I guess the best way for me to answer the question as to why some
relationships can’t end in friendship, is to use real life examples: (some are
mine, others have been anonymously borrowed)
I’m still in love (or
at the least hopefully attached)
Now, this one can be considered a no-brainer, but some cases
aren’t so cut and dry. In the case of ‘he left me and broke my heart’ or ‘she
just walked out one day’, it is obvious that the jilted party can still be in
love (and in some cases even bitter) and not be able to be friends with that
person. But in some cases the emotions are latent. If a person doesn’t do the
actual hard work of purging and breaking the emotional and sometimes (uggghh)
sexual soultie, then it’s only natural to still be attached to this person.
This is one of my real scenerios. In college, I had a long distance
relationship with a guy off and on for several years. I would tell myself that
I was over him, but whenever I would see him, or even just to get a phone call
from him-I was right back in the Fantasia video. What I realized is that
absence does not denote deliverance-its just a lack of stimulus. I wasn’t over him,
I could just bandage the emotions and not deal with them-until he was looking
me in my face. I had to realize that until I could look at him without the
expectation of things working out or us getting back together, there was no way
that we could just be friends, because I wanted more. And to answer your
question, yes I’m over him now, but no we are not friends. Maybe I’m just not
that strong, but there is a portion of me that will always love him and because
I know he isn’t my husband, I won’t put myself into temptation of falling back
there. Might be ugly, might not be biblical-but it’s real.
We weren’t friends to begin with
Many relationships skip the friendship stage, or there is
some super-charged psuedo friendship that is only concocted to ‘get through’ as
the first step into the relationship. If you never took the time to get to know
the person as a friend first, then what is there to fall back on if the
relationship doesn’t work out? There are certain boundaries and bonds that are
only built through a friendship, and if that step is skipped, then when the
relationship fizzes, the only pieces left to be picked up are your separate
lives. This isn’t to say that
relationships that aren’t built on a solid foundation of friendship first don’t
last, but it is to say that there are certain things that you wouldn’t do or
say to a friend, and if you don’t develop that before the emotions and
butterflies begin, it will be harder to go back and develop it, now that your
heart has gotten attached romantically. In order for a friendship to form out
of this, then it would have to be from ground zero, after the storm- you just
have to build again, but it won’t be the same as if you started with that
foundation.
YOU/I Cheated
Ummm...yeah, I don’t know too much about this one,
honestly-at least not from the ‘we can still be friends’ category-because every
guy that cheated on me, we are not friends. It’s not that I haven’t forgiven
them, but I don’t believe that forgiveness equates a second chance, and there
are certain character flaws that I don’t necessarily want in friends. But, I do
have several friends that are still friends with exes that cheated. Baffles me
a bit, honestly-but hey to each his or her own. Maybe it depends on the
circumstances. Now, a note to be made is that my cases were not marriages, so
it was easier for me to pack up
(emotionally) and move out, because we didn’t share papers on ANYTHING.
Marriage brings in a whole different element, and since I have never made it
down the aisle, I will wisely not speak on that one.
Too Soon
Some relationships can fizz into friendships, but it will
take time to re-program yourself from ‘boo’ to ‘buddy’. If you try to slip
right into friendship after a breakup-it might be safe to say that one or both
parties hasn’t had time to heal, so you are bound to hurt each other again. Do
yourself a favor and take some time to reflect on the relationship, learn from
their mistakes (and yours), then slowly ease back into a friendship.
All this to say: Getting over a past relationship is not
optional. It’s over, let it go, move on and get to what’s in front of you.
Choosing to pursue a friendship with an ex-that’s your choice. Remember the
Bible says to guard your own heart-so be open and honest with yourself and if
you aren’t ready to be ‘buddy o’pals’ , do yourself a favor and put some
distance between you too, so that you can properly heal. Then if possible, open
the door to a friendship-but ONLY WHEN YOU’RE READY!
Your thoughts??
Loosely Adapted
from NOT Another Singles Book:
Chapter 6 Losing Your Potentials
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